The human brain evolved an ability to recognize, predict and manipulate patterns and this ability is part of what kept our species alive. If we know that a deer will need water and will come to this water hole and if we know that a projectile launched from an elastic cord will cause death in that animal and if we know we can use tinder and spark to create fire and if we know we can use that fire to cook and then eat that animal, we stay alive. If we know that a thunderstorm can be dangerous without shelter, we can then build that shelter and stay alive. If we know that this plant is poisonous and we then avoid it, we stay alive. It’s all logical and sequential and the effects are cumulative. They’re recognizable patterns. The examples are literally endless but they don’t just apply to our ancestors. Think through a day in your modern, non-caveman life and notice how many if/then situations you encounter; If I get a job, I can buy a car, if I have the key in my hand, I can put it in the keyhole to start the car, then I can then drive the car to McDonalds and I can buy a hamburger…tens of thousands of examples in a given day. And it all started back in our primordial cellular lineage when the tendency to recognize, predict and manipulate patterns was selected for by evolution. Those that had this trait lived on and we now call them “us”. Those that did not, died and we don’t call them anything because they’re dead.
The problem with evolution though, is that it sometimes works too well. It works so well that brain sometimes applies certain tendencies generically and pervasively throughout life and gets a bit stuck when the expected result doesn’t show up. But you can’t blame it for being that way. The early human brain, possibly even before we could actually call it a brain, had to apply rigid, unyielding rules for survival. In survival, there is no margin for error. It’s black and white; yes or no. Do this and survive to pass on your genes; don’t do this and perish. That rigidity remains with us today and may be responsible for a large chunk of the suffering you experience in life.
I’m talking about the shock, horror, upset, resentment, judgment, disappointment, anger and innumerable other unpleasant emotions that you feel when you don’t get the reaction or the results you expected. You expect A+B=C but instead you get A+B=Chicken Salad Sandwich. And when you get that weird, unexpected result, you lose your damn mind! Your brain tells you that if you work hard and play by the rules, you’ll get ahead in life. Then when you do it and it doesn’t work, you get depressed. You tell yourself that if you diet and exercise you won’t get cancer…then you do get cancer and you are shocked and distraught. You expect to drive to work with literally thousands of other people at the same time with no issues and then when a guy in traffic cuts you off, what do you do? You scream at him and hope he crashes his car. When government officials don’t conduct themselves the way they promised, you lose all faith in your country. When your team doesn’t win, you get angry. Much further down on this terrible spectrum, you say things like “if she was raped, why didn’t she just go to the police? (It’s the logical thing to do, of course.)” When your “straight” son brings home a boyfriend you disown him. Your primitive little brain that’s hardwired to expect rigid and predictable patterns served you well when you were but a lowly animal on the plains of Africa but in the endlessly complex and varied world of the modern human experience, we have in some ways outgrown this primitive programming and for the sake of our mental and emotional heath, must transcend it. When we get the proverbial chicken salad sandwich, it does us no good to respond like a stereotypical cartoon robot, whose brain sizzles and pops while a computerized voice shouts “ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!”
As a therapist, I’ve literally heard thousands of times something to the effect of the following: “If she loved me, then why would she abuse me?”; “He’s my dad, he would never do that”; “If I were in that situation, I’d never act like that”; “If that happened to me, I’d just do this…”. And in equal measure I’ve seen examples counter to this; people who would never cheat on their wife who did, parents who would never treat their children that way, who did, adults who would never act like their dad who do, people who will always be honest who lie. In essence I’ve witnessed, literally thousands of times when the logical and expected pattern didn’t emerge; when A+B did not = C. In order to be a therapist, I have to recognize and then work around the evolutionary shortcoming of my own brain that tells me to expect logical patterns. I have to be able reconcile the irreconcilable nature of mankind. I have to hear every day about the awful or stupid things that people have done and not condemn them. I have to hear about the times they didn’t speak up when awful and stupid things were done to them and not label them as worthless idiots. I have to hear countless examples of when things didn’t go the way they were supposed to; when things happened that didn’t make sense; when logic failed. I then have to silence that urge of my lizard brain to pass judgment. I have to resist this part of my genetic heritage and instead show empathy, compassion and acceptance and see my client as a whole, valuable and worthwhile being.
As always, this is where I’ll remind you that this is a psychotherapy blog and that the aim of psychotherapy is greater mental and emotional health, aka “feeling better”. And with that in mind, I’ll also remind you of why I’m writing these words: You should apply these ideas in your everyday life. With everyone and in every situation. Expect people to be awful. Expect things to go wrong. Expect the unexpected. Accept that things will not go according to logic and be ready for it. As much as is possible, counter those unexpected things with empathy and acceptance. When you do, it’ll soften the blow. It will make your life better.
Unrelated Book Recommendation: Not Now Cancer, I’m Busy: Facing a Health Crisis in Early and Mid Life by Melissa Trevathan Minnis and Dianne Meeks Brown
I’m recommending this book because it’s a good book but also because my close personal friend wrote it. With very little bias, I can say its both an eye opener and a tear jerker.
Unrelated Song Recommendation: Spire by Glassing. There’s a lot I could say about this song and this band but I think they say it just fine on their own.
Brandon Peters, LPC 